Saturday, April 22, 2006

The Rollercoaster Principle

I was asked recently to clarify a point on open faced sandwiches. Here is Patricia's question:

"After our discussion concerning Danish open faced sandwiches, I have a question for you: As you know this type of sandwich is correctly eaten with a knife and fork... my question to you is: what if the sandwich is flipped and the filling is on the bottom and the bread on top? It MUST now be eaten with a knife and fork but is it still a sandwich? Just some food for thought!"

Here is my response:

If an open-faced concoction is deemed to be a sandwich, then flipping it over will not change its classification.

Here's why: If it's determined to be a sandwich in its upright form, this indicates that the item is not excessively messy (for more, see the Complete, Unambiguous Sandwich Definition). We're talking no gravy, no major sauce coverage. So, if flipped over, I'm assuming that there is a way to hold the thing
without getting too much of the contents/condiments on you. Ergo, it is still a sandwich. I.e., you could hold the meat with your thumbs, and tuck any pickles between the meat and the frame. If it's a loose meat sandwich, then we are in some trouble. At this point, if you insist on eating it flipped over, I suggest you eat over the sink.

The greater principle here is that a sandwich's classification cannot be affected by its angle of rotation. I will heretofore call this the Rollercoaster Principle: If it's a sandwich at the bottom of a rollercoaster's arc, then it's a sandwich at the top, when the passengers and their sandwiches are upside down.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Bitter Tea by The Fiery Furnaces


Bitter Tea: Dense but ultimately rewarding


Listening to a Fiery Furnaces album is like wading through a river of thick flowing caramel at its widest point. It can be painful, it takes a long time, and you might drown in a river of caramel. But if you make it to the other side, you are rewarded because there's sweetness dripping all around you.

Bitter Tea is no exception. After listening to the 72-minute album, I still don't really know what to think. Instrumental interludes interupt songs like a telemarketer during dinner, stubbornly hawking new wares that sound unlike anything that's come before.

The lyrics, at this early stage, make as much sense as German to a dolphin. Maybe that's because there's lots of backward singing, which kind of sounds like German. I've noticed some pleasing songs to listen to, but I don't know which ones, and I don't have the CD case in front of me.

Still, the Furnaces bring the originality. Wonky sounds and arbitrary non-sequitors weave a quilt that suggests a mind meld between Dr. Suess and Scott Joplin.

This reviewing experience has taught me that I need to listen to albums many more times before I can form anything as concrete as an actual opinion. You've got to uncork Bitter Tea, give it some air. Each time you taste it you'll get something different.

At this point, I'm still just wading in the caramel.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

85-Pound Sandwich

For those unfamiliar with the conversion rates, 85 pounds is roughly equal to $170 CDN. That's a pricey meal by most measurements, but for this sandwich it's about right.

The McDonald sandwich, named for its creator Scott McDonald, executive chef of Selfridges department store in London, is a rare beast. It's loaded with tender Wagyu beef and other expensive, edible items carefully staged on a platform of "24-hour fermented sour dough bread."

You know that's some high quality bread if it's been fermenting for 24 hours. I've had the 12-hour fermented stuff and I'm sure it just doesn't hold a candle.

In all seriousness, I wouldn't hesitate to dole out $170 for a McDonald. At a hefty 21 ounces, it's worth its weight in pounds.

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Scone Witch -- A Delicious Hex


The salmon sconewich: quite buttery


As a hungry wise person once said, "You can't make sandwiches on bread alone."

Okay, I may have paraphrased that. But I think the people at The Scone Witch (388 Albert Street, Ottawa) heard it the same way.

They serve up a wicked variety of sconewiches, which, as you might expect, feature tasty sandwich contents framed by a buttery scone. Although you may prefer to eat them with a knife and fork, most sconewiches classify as sandwiches, since this decision has more to do with looking refined than the degree of mess the sandwich creates --- a key tenet in the Complete, Unambiguous Sandwich Definition.

Pictured above is a poached salmon concoction. The scone was light and fresh, and, though small, rather filling. Served with a salad, it leaves you satisfied. Not excessively suffonsified.

The restaurant's location is a little odd, though well suited to its name. Set up in a house just west of the business district in downtown Ottawa, it's surrounded by parking lots. One might expect the interior to be dank and cave-like, fortunately it's clean with lots of natural light.

The Scone Witch is a real Ottawa treat. If you haven't tried it, do. I'll be back soon.

My rating: four broomsticks.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Meatball Subs are NOT Sandwiches


Wanted: a roundburger


This poster has been floating around the 'net for a little while now. Given its relevance to DSI, and its substantiation of my view that a meatball sub is NOT a sandwich (it's a Roundburger -- see my Complete, Unambiguous Sandwich Definition from August 25, 2005) I thought I should post it.

The rumour I've heard is that this image is a likeness taken from a real "Wanted" poster of an infamous criminal from the American west, over 110 years ago. This guy apparently realized, moments before being gunned down following a daring bank heist, that the Meatball Sub cannot be classified as a sandwich due to the non-natural formed shape of the meatballs — just like a burger, which also exists in another class.

I haven't checked Snopes yet to verify.

Sandwich Haters -- Blue Man Group?


Pure conjecture.


I don't know for a fact, but I suspect that the Blue Man Group hates sandwiches.

Photo swiped from here.